This is pretty funny...

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GRAMMER MADE EASY

or

HOW TO RITE RITE

1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between you and I, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
11. A preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
12. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
13. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
14. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
15. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
16. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period
17. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
18. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
22. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
23. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
25. Avoid clichis like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
26. Comparisons are as bad as clichis.
27. Do not use a foreign term when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
28. If you must use a foreign term, it is de rigor to spell it correctly.
29. Avoid colloquial stuff.
30. It behooves the writer to avoid archiac expressions.
31. Do not use hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it effectively.
32. Mixed metaphors are a pain in the ass and ought to be thrown out the window.
33. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
34. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
35. Consult the dictionary frequently to avoid mispelling.
36. Don't use tautological, repetitive, or redundant statements.
37. Don't use tautological, repetitive, or redundant statements.
38. Puns are for children, not for readers who are groan.
39. The Passive Voice shouldn't be used.
40. Proofread carefully to see if you have any words out
41. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
42. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
43. Always avoid any alliteration, albeit agreeable.
44. Contractions aren't necessary.
45. Who needs rhetorical questions?
46. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
47. Do not put statements in the negative form.
48. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
49. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
50. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
51. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
52. Be more or less specific.
53. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
54. The passive voice is to be avoided.
55. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
56. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
57. Understatement is always best.
58. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
59. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
60. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
61. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
62. Remember to finish what you sta

Six-Word Memoirs

In one of the e-newsletters I get on teaching, I saw this really cool writing assignment. The idea is to write a memoir in only six words. It's kind of like a really cool new form of haiku. Here is just one link to you tube videos of various groups of students across the country who have tried this activity. I started this activity with my writing students yesterday, and with only 5 or 10 minutes, some students came up with brilliant memoirs! Here is mine (but will probably write a couple of others):

Blonde doesn't begin to describe me.

So, you all should definitely try it! Leave a comment with your six-word memoir.

Super sweet dog

This dog speaks English!! The funny thing is that every time I play the video, my dog barks. Only she just says woof.

Individualism or Isolation?

This week I heard in the news that in Fort Wayne, the Catholic Diocese has determined that the best practice for their churches is to limit communion to individual glasses for fear that receiving communion from the common cup may pass contagious germs throughout the congregation. Bishop D'Arcy further recommends that no one shake hands during the passing of the peace.

Yesterday, I talked with a student whose friend's baby had H1N1 and while the family feared for the young one's recovery, is doing much better now, thankfully. But my student's comment about this was something along the lines of, "I don't want to touch anyone anymore."

Both of these situations touched a nerve. Over the summer I read a book called Generation Me by Jean Twenge. After years of research, she has come to the conclusion that the younger generation (born in the 70s, 80s and 90s) are more isolated and thus more depressed, anxiety, and lonely than ever before. I fear for us when our society--and even our churches are afraid to gather together.

We're already isolated enough. Instead of listening to the radio to wait for our favorite song to come on, we select our personal playlist on our iPods and plug ourselves in to our own little world. We cocoon ourselves by putting on those headphones and ignoring the person on the bus next to us.

Instead of talking problems out with co-workers and coming to solutions together, we immediately go to their superiors to complain.

Instead of going to a gathering, we sit behind our computer screen and de-friend people on Facebook whose opinions we don't share.

So, with all of these thoughts in my mind, I saw the news about the diocese changing the policies on communion and shaking hands and realized that not only is the policy an overreaction to the virus itself, it also serves as a way to isolate us further into our own little cocoons. Furthermore, studies over the years have been done which prove that there is no link between sipping from the Common Cup and getting sick. The American Medical Association did a study years ago that shows how unlikely people are to share germs by drinking the Common Cup. The study found that the precious metal of the chalice, the alcohol itself, and the fact that the chalice is wiped clean after each communicant drinks all lowered the risk of passing germs. I also found this good article in the L.A. Times about how communing from the chalice is much less risky than talking with someone in close proximity who is contagiously ill.

I have theological reasons for preferring the Common Cup, and for those reasons, I always prefer taking the Chalice.

But lately, I've also been considering the the sociological reasons. When we tune out the world and the people in our community and the person sitting next to us, we not only run the risk of perpetuating our own isolation and loneliness, but we cut off the other from a connection with someone else who is in the same boat, so to speak. People now are more depressed, lonely, and anxious than ever. The statistics are always on the rise, and I attribute that, at least in part, to our unwillingness to talk to one another, to cut ourselves off from community, and not shake hands for fear of getting sick.

I'm not saying I want people to contract H1N1. Far from it. But being safe and smart with one's health while still connecting to others is important not only for each individual, but also for the community.

A book you must read

This week I finished the book Peace Like a River by Leif Enger. Kristin Gregory had recommended it to me (thank you, Kristin). I really loved the writing, the story, the Christian symbolism, the literary style. It was a fantastic read. Here's a little section I'm going to show my writing class this week:

“Just past midnight that hunched bundle behind the barn was me, Reuben Land, in deep regret. Skittish, that’s what I was, and unnerved about walking out into the dark. Here all day I’d imagined the glory of this act—waiting for a certain heaviness in the house, slipping on pants, ghosting down to the kitchen, pocketing gingersnaps, easing shut the door, crossing some hundreds of yards into Davy’s night—just thinking of it beforehand slid me into the company of heroes…. Wouldn’t I, too, defeat jitters and win out for Davy’s sake?” (Peace Like a River, Leif Enger, 223).

What I adore about this passage are three things:

1. Word choice - "ghosting" down the stairs, "pocketing" the cookies, the "hunched bundle." This little passage is brilliant in its economy of words--and not just the word choice, but the visual imagery created by those choice words.

2. Detail - the "gingersnaps" is such a small and seemingly insignificant word in this paragraph, but again, it represents the best of writing. I can feel the sweet spicy crumbs in my pocket, can't you?

3. The surprises - perhaps best of all in this passage are the surprises. Instead of the expected use of "quietness" or "stillness" to describe the house, Enger uses "heaviness." And isn't that just right? Isn't there a kind of heaviness in the wee hours of the night? I also loved the surprising sentence structure of that first sentence: "That...bundle...was me."

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On another note, I've been enjoying my teaching at IPFW so far this semester, and now I am also tutoring ESL high school students. So I'm busy, but I love being in the classroom, and I am finding little pockets of time to write as well.

So great!

Check out this "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks. It'll get you giggling.

Adorable readers...

Thank you so much to Rachel for posting these adorable photos of her kids reading my books on her blog. Awesome!!